Tuesday, 15 September 2009

It's been a long time

Well it's been a long time since my last post back in May and as the summer starts to slowly fade away here's just a quick reflection on whats been going on.
My Anxiety is still bubbling away and i think now always will be! but i suprised myself! me, Alice and my mother went to Florida last month and i must say i was starting to get very anxious about going, how was i gonna cope on the nine hour flight with Anxiety and an Autistic teenager! but i did it! and i don't really know how but the last two hours of the flight were pretty gruelling i just felt ill and it felt like i was going to pass out it was the longest two hours of all time! but while i was in Florida i never really had any problems with anxiety probably because i was so busy and on the go all the time, the holiday seemed to go very quick and i'm now back in my little mundane life which is pretty much the same as before one step forward and three back but on the whole without tempting fate i seem to be coping with anxiety but i know it's always going to be there!
It's getting close to a year since i lost my wife and believe it or not i'm still waiting for help from Social Services! i had to survive the horrific six week school holidays and they have even been a bit critical of how i've been caring for Alice! there is no wonder they get bad press.

Anxiety Level Low

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Tempting Fate

Every time i say that i feel better in myself i always seem to come crashing down and stay down for days on end! so i'm not going down that road! but you all know what i mean.
I have been quite busy the last few days basically trying to sort out my bathroom that really wanted decorating and repairing years ago but because our life became quite hectic at times we couldnt be bothered! it was clean, but recently it has deteriorated even further! much too my embarrasment at times so i thought oh well i had better make a start with the help of my father in law, i must admit i am useless at DIY mainly because it bores me! i'm much better on a computer, but the job has to be done and i will be relieved when it's done.
So sorting the bathroom has been a distraction but like i said i'm not going to tempt fate! so i will change the subject! is it me or has the weather in the U.K. been crazy! Rain...stop...rain...stop and what is going on with our MPs why should we vote for them at all it is fascinating stuff watching the news seeing them squirm! who can we trust in this crazy country?
Night folks.

Anxiety Level Low

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

A tough day

I had to take Alice for a thyroid test yesterday, i had been worrying about it for some time! Then poor old Alice had a double blow on the day as part of her life skills she had to go to the leisure centre with the school which was a change from her normal routine at school! and it was where i had to pick her up from to take her to the hospital, when we arrived at the hospital the waiting room was crawling with toddlers screaming and banging and consequently Alice was starting to really struggle with this which put her in a negative state of mind when she had to go and see the nurses, but credit to them when we went in they new exactly what to do and i was amazed how they did it as Alice by then was very anxious and as this is all new to me so was i, but she tried to be brave for me as i had asked her to in the morning but as the tears started to flow i couldn't help mine! i felt so sorry for her! it's a very scary world for autistic children and to lose their mummy it is unimaginable and i don't know wether my tears were for her or my wife but probably both, i felt guilty for taking her back to the leisure centre after what she had just gone through but then i thought she's nearly fifteen she needs testing things like this to toughen her up a bit! but as i drove home after i had dropped her off my tears started again and i think this time for my wife! i felt so alone and so lost in a very scary world for me and my daughter.

Anxiety Level Medium

Saturday, 2 May 2009

Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day today as i type this post! and i have felt better in myself the last few days mainly due to being quite busy with various things, but i know the negative thoughts are just around the corner and i have got Alice off school for a few days with it being bank holiday weekend!
I have got us a nice Pizza for lunch and i intend on taking Alice out somewhere after that, she wont be very happy about leaving the security of her new room as she calls it which is just a spare room thats got everything she needs in it i.e. DVDs, Videos, Books, Toys, it's a real haven for her, too much really as she is very reluctant to go out!
So this is a bit of a short post more of an update really, bye for now.

Anxiety Level Low

Monday, 27 April 2009

What a weekend

Just when i thought i was turning the corner i get really BIG symptoms of Anxiety,Panic, Stress, Depression...just about everything really! Very very scary stuff like i've never had before! there is no quick fix for stuff like that you just have to ride it out the best you can, i couldn't think of anything good or positive in my life, all the relevant authorities in this so called caring nation of ours just seem to want to make things harder for me at the moment! and my family continue to baffle me with their selfish traits.

Normally this is my favourite time of the year and the weather has been nice but having nobody to share it with just puts a constant black cloud over my head! but as my wise old mother said recently "it won't always be like this" i hope she's right!

Anxiety Level High

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Well done Gary

I've had a quite challenging day today, but it felt kind of good! I went to visit a college that Alice has an option to attend when she finishes at her current school and it's the sort of thing that my late wife used to do! but i have no option now with these things and consequently i'm now the main and sole decision maker on Alice's education! and it's very daunting for me! but i did it and it's amazing what you can do when you have no option and every time i do something like this i'm so proud of myself! so much so i'm nearly in tears with it! i've always been such a quiet shy person with very little confidence, my father always did things for me and sort of discouraged me from doing certain things and when he passed away in 1992 i met Karen and she sort of carried on that role to a certain degree, i just went to work, she was a fantastic organiser which suited me really but in reality i was still unable to gain that confidence, but all this is life changing for me after all these years!
But getting back to the college i was very impressed with what i saw! the unfortunate part is that it is nearly 30 miles away and it would be a long day for Alice but i saw a student there with the same dual diagnosis as Alice and the girl in question was so relaxed and sociable which was apparently not the case when she first arrived there so it's obviously bringing these young adults out of their shells, i was very touched by it all, food for thought.

Anxiety Level Low

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Saturday night

It's Saturday night! and here i sit on my own...for a change...with some red wine, a laptop, and a tv! that is my life at the moment! but i continue to try to be positive, i used to like to be on my own as i found i could unwind and relax like that, but now i hate it! any normal human being who are feeling lonely can go out and socialise but i can't as i am a carer, it's cruel...very cruel! but my mother said today "you never know whats round the corner" and i suppose she's right.

But as i sit here i'm trying to lift myself browsing the internet and with the iminent arrival of my birthday looming up fast! there is one or two things catching my eye! A Harry Potter DVD Boxset and the Muppet Show collection of DVDs, i have always fancied the latter and as for Harry Potter my wife was a huge fan she read all the books and i don't know why but i never got round to watching the films apart from the first one, but getting back to the Muppets after going to see Muppet vision 3D at Walt Disney World in Florida on previous holidays i found i really appreciated the classic comedy and the imagination of the Muppet Show and i always vowed to one day own the collection...i'm a big kid really!
But back to the serious stuff! the anxiety and stress that i've been subject to lately seems to have subsided a bit, i think on Thursday afternoon i had reached the bottom! and i don't think i could get any lower so the only way was up! i guess!
Anxiety Level Low

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Calm after the storm

All is calm now as i type this post! but earlier today i was having some serious problems with Stress and Anxiety! i got up quite calm and positive but the non stop chores and caring for Alice just seemed to grind me down! i knew i had a carer coming to look after her and let me escape for a few hours but the way things were going i was going to be a mess when she turned up! i had to put a brave face on when she arrived then i explained to Alice what i was doing and literally crept out the back door! PHEW! i could feel the pressure draining from me, i only went to sit with my mother but it felt so good! just to be normal and to be away from my caring duties! because even though Alice can be in her room i can never fully relax, when she's up and awake it's work! but being with my mother tonight did help and it's put me back on track for the time being anyway.

Anxiety Level Medium

Tuesday, 14 April 2009


When are these school holidays going to END!!!!! at the end of this week i will have had Alice off school for the best part of a month! because she had a virus before the holidays, i'm nearly at screaming point! i've had sort of little bits of help from family members i.e. my eighty year old mother and a so called carer that's gone missing all of a sudden! suprise...suprise! The elusive social worker is coming to see me on Monday after she's been on holiday for a week (nice for her!) and boy am i ready for her!!!
My Anxiety has really been rearing it's ugly head because of all this! waking up in the night, ringing in the ears again, general panic symptoms!
I am hoping one day i can look back on all of this and say WOW! i coped well there despite all the shit that was being thrown at me!
I can't think of anything positive or good to put in a post at the moment, it's just a continuation of doom and gloom!

Anxiety Level High

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Black Friday

Well so much for Good Friday! i had two panic attacks and felt quite strange most of the day! i even got my Wii out for some nice distraction but the anxiety had took over! but Saturday was a bit better! i took Alice to McDonalds for lunch and we had a look round the pet shop where strangely enough they had no bunnies! then we went to visit my mother, so it broke up the day nicely for me, and at night i had some red wine and watched The Spiderwick Chronicles which i thought was an awesome film!
It's very hard for me to take Alice out on my own! with her being Autistic she gets very nervous around people, and any sudden noise really upsets her! but hopefully the more i do it the easier it should get! i think!

Anxiety Level Medium

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

I need a buzz

I have had to adjust my life and make certain sacrifices since losing my wife! and i just don't know what to do with my life now, i feel like i need a hobby or an interest, just something different that will give me a buzz everyday when i wake up, and i think could ease the stress and maybe help to ease the anxiety! it's the time of year i used to start thinking about motorsport events and rock festivals but they are sadly just history now but i must try and be positive they may come back at some point...you never know! i thought about getting a Siamese cat which is something i have always fancied but it could create extra stress for me! but it may help the loneliness, there must be something, if anybody has any ideas please let me know.

Anxiety Level Medium

Monday, 6 April 2009

Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Anger...i own it all

I had a very bad weekend!!! I think with Alice being of school ill and because of that i was unable to leave the house, by Saturday afternoon i was finished! and i had many different emotions going on inside me! Which ranged from terror to anger! it had all caught up with me again, and i was starting to feel anger towards my family who are quite happy to carry on living their life to the full and obviously without any feeling of guilt! i'm basically left to rot!!! by my own family, or thats how it feels! maybe i'm jumping the gun a bit here and looking for someone to blame for it all, weekends scare me! it is extremely difficult to be positive, and even though i had someone come and stay with Alice for a few hours yesterday i was still a bit messed up and wanted to rip into my family, but i new i had to be carefull as i knew i was possibly not thinking right!
But today i seemed to have steadied the ship a bit even though Alice had a few behavioural issues! my mother came round and helped me a little bit with some house work, i know i've gotta be carefull as she is eighty! but you just don't think about that when it all gets too much! But as they say things can only get better! i just hope it hurry's up! lol

Anxiety Level Medium

Friday, 3 April 2009

There maybe some help after all!

I woke up at 4 ish this morning with that old familiar feeling again! something wakes you up and you just don't feel right! you just can't put your finger on it! but i seem to remember going to bed last night not fully switched off and relaxed.
But on a positive note for me i think i have a carer on board for Alice...well someone that will come and sit and supervise her while i go off and clear my head for a bit which hopefully should make me a lot fresher and help us both! so fingers crossed that it will be a success! but on first impressions i'm quite happy with what i have seen so far.
This virus me and Alice have had is a bad lingering one! it really is taking a lot to shift! i thought i was getting better but i just feel rough again, it's probably because we are both a bit low after the whats happened the last few months, we need some fun and laughter back in our lives! that is the best drug going! i will see what i can do : )

Anxiety Level Medium

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Back in Blogworld and my loss

Up to about three days ago my Anxiety was extremely bad! i was waking up in the night not knowing where i am and what i was meant to be doing! it felt like i was on the way out! and i think i've had depression and stress thrown in for good measure as well but amazingly i have found that getting back in the world of Blogging has really helped! i think because it really makes you think and gives you a purpose, i was foolish to think that i could beat anxiety! it is something that you have to control rather than defeat, my mind has took a right battering over the years with one thing and another and i dont think it can be fully recovered!
I'm slowly coming to terms with the loss of my wife, i lost my dad in 1992 and even though that really upset me it was nothing compared to this! basically you live out of each others pockets, you become part of each other, you tell each other your fears and your worries, you share so much together, as a couple we very rarely went out as we didn't really get offered much support in the way of babysitters but we were quite content to stay in as we had each others company, it is a very cruel world! Alice has been very brave throughout it all but i will never know how much of it she understands, so as they say time is a great healer and one must carry on as we have no option! but i will never forget my amazing wife Karen x she was a unique person that always had a smile that i miss so very much!

Wherever you are Karen God Bless you and you will always be in my heart xxxxxxx

And i just want to give a special mention and thanks to Rachel over at http://rachelhughesdiary.blogspot.com/ for being a very loyal friend xxxx

Anxiety Level Low

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Quick note

Just a quick note, this template is only temporary! and more features and up to date photos will be added in the coming days and weeks.
Update to this post i quite like this template now and i think i will keep it! lol

Nasty ugly virus in the house

Me and Alice have had a virus! but i think she's come off worse with it! i had to get the doctor out today and i must say it was a bit of a battle to get him to come out! she even passed out in the bathroom after she had been vommiting and the the doctors practice asked me to bring her in! what is happening to this country! Alice has not mentioned her mummy for quite a while now but she did today! i think all kids need their mum when they are feeling poorly, but hopefully as i type this i can hear her being quite busy in her room! so fingers crossed she may be getting better, as for me it's kept me busy today so ive not been to anxious but i know it's lying dormant at the moment! i hope i can get Alice back to school maybe for a day or two so i can maybe recharge my batteries ready for the easter hols!

Anxiety level medium

Monday, 30 March 2009

The return

This is a blog about my struggle in life with anxiety! i have done a blog before and it did really help me to understand this at times debilitating condition! but due to personal commitments and foolishly thinking i was rid of anxiety i deleted it, but now i'm back! and i'm back for good! my life has changed dramatically over the last few months, as last November my wife sadly lost her battle with cancer and i am left alone to look after my daughter who is mentally handicapped and as you can imagine my anxiety has gone through the roof!!! in a very big and scary way!!! with very scary symptoms!!! all will be revealed over the next few days so stay tuned.

Anxiety level High