Calm after the storm

All is calm now as i type this post! but earlier today i was having some serious problems with Stress and Anxiety! i got up quite calm and positive but the non stop chores and caring for Alice just seemed to grind me down! i knew i had a carer coming to look after her and let me escape for a few hours but the way things were going i was going to be a mess when she turned up! i had to put a brave face on when she arrived then i explained to Alice what i was doing and literally crept out the back door! PHEW! i could feel the pressure draining from me, i only went to sit with my mother but it felt so good! just to be normal and to be away from my caring duties! because even though Alice can be in her room i can never fully relax, when she's up and awake it's work! but being with my mother tonight did help and it's put me back on track for the time being anyway.

Anxiety Level Medium

Aaaaaagghh

When are these school holidays going to END!!!!! at the end of this week i will have had Alice off school for the best part of a month! because she had a virus before the holidays, i'm nearly at screaming point! i've had sort of little bits of help from family members i.e. my eighty year old mother and a so called carer that's gone missing all of a sudden! suprise...suprise! The elusive social worker is coming to see me on Monday after she's been on holiday for a week (nice for her!) and boy am i ready for her!!!
My Anxiety has really been rearing it's ugly head because of all this! waking up in the night, ringing in the ears again, general panic symptoms!
I am hoping one day i can look back on all of this and say WOW! i coped well there despite all the shit that was being thrown at me!
I can't think of anything positive or good to put in a post at the moment, it's just a continuation of doom and gloom!

Anxiety Level High

Black Friday

Well so much for Good Friday! i had two panic attacks and felt quite strange most of the day! i even got my Wii out for some nice distraction but the anxiety had took over! but Saturday was a bit better! i took Alice to McDonalds for lunch and we had a look round the pet shop where strangely enough they had no bunnies! then we went to visit my mother, so it broke up the day nicely for me, and at night i had some red wine and watched The Spiderwick Chronicles which i thought was an awesome film!
It's very hard for me to take Alice out on my own! with her being Autistic she gets very nervous around people, and any sudden noise really upsets her! but hopefully the more i do it the easier it should get! i think!

Anxiety Level Medium

I need a buzz

I have had to adjust my life and make certain sacrifices since losing my wife! and i just don't know what to do with my life now, i feel like i need a hobby or an interest, just something different that will give me a buzz everyday when i wake up, and i think could ease the stress and maybe help to ease the anxiety! it's the time of year i used to start thinking about motorsport events and rock festivals but they are sadly just history now but i must try and be positive they may come back at some point...you never know! i thought about getting a Siamese cat which is something i have always fancied but it could create extra stress for me! but it may help the loneliness, there must be something, if anybody has any ideas please let me know.

Anxiety Level Medium

Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Anger...i own it all

I had a very bad weekend!!! I think with Alice being of school ill and because of that i was unable to leave the house, by Saturday afternoon i was finished! and i had many different emotions going on inside me! Which ranged from terror to anger! it had all caught up with me again, and i was starting to feel anger towards my family who are quite happy to carry on living their life to the full and obviously without any feeling of guilt! i'm basically left to rot!!! by my own family, or thats how it feels! maybe i'm jumping the gun a bit here and looking for someone to blame for it all, weekends scare me! it is extremely difficult to be positive, and even though i had someone come and stay with Alice for a few hours yesterday i was still a bit messed up and wanted to rip into my family, but i new i had to be carefull as i knew i was possibly not thinking right!

But today i seemed to have steadied the ship a bit even though Alice had a few behavioural issues! my mother came round and helped me a little bit with some house work, i know i've gotta be carefull as she is eighty! but you just don't think about that when it all gets too much! But as they say things can only get better! i just hope it hurry's up! lol

Anxiety Level Medium

There maybe some help after all!

I woke up at 4 ish this morning with that old familiar feeling again! something wakes you up and you just don't feel right! you just can't put your finger on it! but i seem to remember going to bed last night not fully switched off and relaxed.
But on a positive note for me i think i have a carer on board for Alice...well someone that will come and sit and supervise her while i go off and clear my head for a bit which hopefully should make me a lot fresher and help us both! so fingers crossed that it will be a success! but on first impressions i'm quite happy with what i have seen so far.
This virus me and Alice have had is a bad lingering one! it really is taking a lot to shift! i thought i was getting better but i just feel rough again, it's probably because we are both a bit low after the whats happened the last few months, we need some fun and laughter back in our lives! that is the best drug going! i will see what i can do : )

Anxiety Level Medium

Back in Blogworld and my loss

Up to about three days ago my Anxiety was extremely bad! i was waking up in the night not knowing where i am and what i was meant to be doing! it felt like i was on the way out! and i think i've had depression and stress thrown in for good measure as well but amazingly i have found that getting back in the world of Blogging has really helped! i think because it really makes you think and gives you a purpose, i was foolish to think that i could beat anxiety! it is something that you have to control rather than defeat, my mind has took a right battering over the years with one thing and another and i dont think it can be fully recovered!
I'm slowly coming to terms with the loss of my wife, i lost my dad in 1992 and even though that really upset me it was nothing compared to this! basically you live out of each others pockets, you become part of each other, you tell each other your fears and your worries, you share so much together, as a couple we very rarely went out as we didn't really get offered much support in the way of babysitters but we were quite content to stay in as we had each others company, it is a very cruel world! Alice has been very brave throughout it all but i will never know how much of it she understands, so as they say time is a great healer and one must carry on as we have no option! but i will never forget my amazing wife Karen x she was a unique person that always had a smile that i miss so very much!

Wherever you are Karen God Bless you and you will always be in my heart xxxxxxx








And i just want to give a special mention and thanks to Rachel over at http://rachelhughesdiary.blogspot.com/ for being a very loyal friend xxxx

Anxiety Level Low