Tuesday, 15 September 2009

It's been a long time

Well it's been a long time since my last post back in May and as the summer starts to slowly fade away here's just a quick reflection on whats been going on.
My Anxiety is still bubbling away and i think now always will be! but i suprised myself! me, Alice and my mother went to Florida last month and i must say i was starting to get very anxious about going, how was i gonna cope on the nine hour flight with Anxiety and an Autistic teenager! but i did it! and i don't really know how but the last two hours of the flight were pretty gruelling i just felt ill and it felt like i was going to pass out it was the longest two hours of all time! but while i was in Florida i never really had any problems with anxiety probably because i was so busy and on the go all the time, the holiday seemed to go very quick and i'm now back in my little mundane life which is pretty much the same as before one step forward and three back but on the whole without tempting fate i seem to be coping with anxiety but i know it's always going to be there!
It's getting close to a year since i lost my wife and believe it or not i'm still waiting for help from Social Services! i had to survive the horrific six week school holidays and they have even been a bit critical of how i've been caring for Alice! there is no wonder they get bad press.

Anxiety Level Low

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Tempting Fate

Every time i say that i feel better in myself i always seem to come crashing down and stay down for days on end! so i'm not going down that road! but you all know what i mean.
I have been quite busy the last few days basically trying to sort out my bathroom that really wanted decorating and repairing years ago but because our life became quite hectic at times we couldnt be bothered! it was clean, but recently it has deteriorated even further! much too my embarrasment at times so i thought oh well i had better make a start with the help of my father in law, i must admit i am useless at DIY mainly because it bores me! i'm much better on a computer, but the job has to be done and i will be relieved when it's done.
So sorting the bathroom has been a distraction but like i said i'm not going to tempt fate! so i will change the subject! is it me or has the weather in the U.K. been crazy! Rain...stop...rain...stop and what is going on with our MPs why should we vote for them at all it is fascinating stuff watching the news seeing them squirm! who can we trust in this crazy country?
Night folks.

Anxiety Level Low

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

A tough day

I had to take Alice for a thyroid test yesterday, i had been worrying about it for some time! Then poor old Alice had a double blow on the day as part of her life skills she had to go to the leisure centre with the school which was a change from her normal routine at school! and it was where i had to pick her up from to take her to the hospital, when we arrived at the hospital the waiting room was crawling with toddlers screaming and banging and consequently Alice was starting to really struggle with this which put her in a negative state of mind when she had to go and see the nurses, but credit to them when we went in they new exactly what to do and i was amazed how they did it as Alice by then was very anxious and as this is all new to me so was i, but she tried to be brave for me as i had asked her to in the morning but as the tears started to flow i couldn't help mine! i felt so sorry for her! it's a very scary world for autistic children and to lose their mummy it is unimaginable and i don't know wether my tears were for her or my wife but probably both, i felt guilty for taking her back to the leisure centre after what she had just gone through but then i thought she's nearly fifteen she needs testing things like this to toughen her up a bit! but as i drove home after i had dropped her off my tears started again and i think this time for my wife! i felt so alone and so lost in a very scary world for me and my daughter.

Anxiety Level Medium

Saturday, 2 May 2009

Beautiful Day

What a beautiful day today as i type this post! and i have felt better in myself the last few days mainly due to being quite busy with various things, but i know the negative thoughts are just around the corner and i have got Alice off school for a few days with it being bank holiday weekend!
I have got us a nice Pizza for lunch and i intend on taking Alice out somewhere after that, she wont be very happy about leaving the security of her new room as she calls it which is just a spare room thats got everything she needs in it i.e. DVDs, Videos, Books, Toys, it's a real haven for her, too much really as she is very reluctant to go out!
So this is a bit of a short post more of an update really, bye for now.

Anxiety Level Low

Monday, 27 April 2009

What a weekend

Just when i thought i was turning the corner i get really BIG symptoms of Anxiety,Panic, Stress, Depression...just about everything really! Very very scary stuff like i've never had before! there is no quick fix for stuff like that you just have to ride it out the best you can, i couldn't think of anything good or positive in my life, all the relevant authorities in this so called caring nation of ours just seem to want to make things harder for me at the moment! and my family continue to baffle me with their selfish traits.

Normally this is my favourite time of the year and the weather has been nice but having nobody to share it with just puts a constant black cloud over my head! but as my wise old mother said recently "it won't always be like this" i hope she's right!

Anxiety Level High

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Well done Gary

I've had a quite challenging day today, but it felt kind of good! I went to visit a college that Alice has an option to attend when she finishes at her current school and it's the sort of thing that my late wife used to do! but i have no option now with these things and consequently i'm now the main and sole decision maker on Alice's education! and it's very daunting for me! but i did it and it's amazing what you can do when you have no option and every time i do something like this i'm so proud of myself! so much so i'm nearly in tears with it! i've always been such a quiet shy person with very little confidence, my father always did things for me and sort of discouraged me from doing certain things and when he passed away in 1992 i met Karen and she sort of carried on that role to a certain degree, i just went to work, she was a fantastic organiser which suited me really but in reality i was still unable to gain that confidence, but all this is life changing for me after all these years!
But getting back to the college i was very impressed with what i saw! the unfortunate part is that it is nearly 30 miles away and it would be a long day for Alice but i saw a student there with the same dual diagnosis as Alice and the girl in question was so relaxed and sociable which was apparently not the case when she first arrived there so it's obviously bringing these young adults out of their shells, i was very touched by it all, food for thought.

Anxiety Level Low

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Saturday night

It's Saturday night! and here i sit on my own...for a change...with some red wine, a laptop, and a tv! that is my life at the moment! but i continue to try to be positive, i used to like to be on my own as i found i could unwind and relax like that, but now i hate it! any normal human being who are feeling lonely can go out and socialise but i can't as i am a carer, it's cruel...very cruel! but my mother said today "you never know whats round the corner" and i suppose she's right.

But as i sit here i'm trying to lift myself browsing the internet and with the iminent arrival of my birthday looming up fast! there is one or two things catching my eye! A Harry Potter DVD Boxset and the Muppet Show collection of DVDs, i have always fancied the latter and as for Harry Potter my wife was a huge fan she read all the books and i don't know why but i never got round to watching the films apart from the first one, but getting back to the Muppets after going to see Muppet vision 3D at Walt Disney World in Florida on previous holidays i found i really appreciated the classic comedy and the imagination of the Muppet Show and i always vowed to one day own the collection...i'm a big kid really!
But back to the serious stuff! the anxiety and stress that i've been subject to lately seems to have subsided a bit, i think on Thursday afternoon i had reached the bottom! and i don't think i could get any lower so the only way was up! i guess!
Anxiety Level Low