Just when i thought i was turning the corner i get really BIG symptoms of Anxiety,Panic, Stress, Depression...just about everything really! Very very scary stuff like i've never had before! there is no quick fix for stuff like that you just have to ride it out the best you can, i couldn't think of anything good or positive in my life, all the relevant authorities in this so called caring nation of ours just seem to want to make things harder for me at the moment! and my family continue to baffle me with their selfish traits.
Monday, 27 April 2009
What a weekend
Posted by Gary at 00:11 5 comments
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
Well done Gary
I've had a quite challenging day today, but it felt kind of good! I went to visit a college that Alice has an option to attend when she finishes at her current school and it's the sort of thing that my late wife used to do! but i have no option now with these things and consequently i'm now the main and sole decision maker on Alice's education! and it's very daunting for me! but i did it and it's amazing what you can do when you have no option and every time i do something like this i'm so proud of myself! so much so i'm nearly in tears with it! i've always been such a quiet shy person with very little confidence, my father always did things for me and sort of discouraged me from doing certain things and when he passed away in 1992 i met Karen and she sort of carried on that role to a certain degree, i just went to work, she was a fantastic organiser which suited me really but in reality i was still unable to gain that confidence, but all this is life changing for me after all these years!
But getting back to the college i was very impressed with what i saw! the unfortunate part is that it is nearly 30 miles away and it would be a long day for Alice but i saw a student there with the same dual diagnosis as Alice and the girl in question was so relaxed and sociable which was apparently not the case when she first arrived there so it's obviously bringing these young adults out of their shells, i was very touched by it all, food for thought.
Anxiety Level Low
Posted by Gary at 13:16 2 comments
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Saturday night
It's Saturday night! and here i sit on my own...for a change...with some red wine, a laptop, and a tv! that is my life at the moment! but i continue to try to be positive, i used to like to be on my own as i found i could unwind and relax like that, but now i hate it! any normal human being who are feeling lonely can go out and socialise but i can't as i am a carer, it's cruel...very cruel! but my mother said today "you never know whats round the corner" and i suppose she's right.
Posted by Gary at 13:54 2 comments
Thursday, 16 April 2009
Calm after the storm
Posted by Gary at 15:15 2 comments
Tuesday, 14 April 2009
Aaaaaagghh
My Anxiety has really been rearing it's ugly head because of all this! waking up in the night, ringing in the ears again, general panic symptoms!
I am hoping one day i can look back on all of this and say WOW! i coped well there despite all the shit that was being thrown at me!
I can't think of anything positive or good to put in a post at the moment, it's just a continuation of doom and gloom!
Anxiety Level High
Posted by Gary at 14:43 0 comments
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Black Friday
Well so much for Good Friday! i had two panic attacks and felt quite strange most of the day! i even got my Wii out for some nice distraction but the anxiety had took over! but Saturday was a bit better! i took Alice to McDonalds for lunch and we had a look round the pet shop where strangely enough they had no bunnies! then we went to visit my mother, so it broke up the day nicely for me, and at night i had some red wine and watched The Spiderwick Chronicles which i thought was an awesome film!
It's very hard for me to take Alice out on my own! with her being Autistic she gets very nervous around people, and any sudden noise really upsets her! but hopefully the more i do it the easier it should get! i think!
Anxiety Level Medium
Posted by Gary at 17:00 9 comments
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
I need a buzz
Posted by Gary at 07:52 5 comments
Monday, 6 April 2009
Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Anger...i own it all
Posted by Gary at 09:47 0 comments
Friday, 3 April 2009
There maybe some help after all!
But on a positive note for me i think i have a carer on board for Alice...well someone that will come and sit and supervise her while i go off and clear my head for a bit which hopefully should make me a lot fresher and help us both! so fingers crossed that it will be a success! but on first impressions i'm quite happy with what i have seen so far.
This virus me and Alice have had is a bad lingering one! it really is taking a lot to shift! i thought i was getting better but i just feel rough again, it's probably because we are both a bit low after the whats happened the last few months, we need some fun and laughter back in our lives! that is the best drug going! i will see what i can do : )
Anxiety Level Medium
Posted by Gary at 03:26 4 comments
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Back in Blogworld and my loss
Up to about three days ago my Anxiety was extremely bad! i was waking up in the night not knowing where i am and what i was meant to be doing! it felt like i was on the way out! and i think i've had depression and stress thrown in for good measure as well but amazingly i have found that getting back in the world of Blogging has really helped! i think because it really makes you think and gives you a purpose, i was foolish to think that i could beat anxiety! it is something that you have to control rather than defeat, my mind has took a right battering over the years with one thing and another and i dont think it can be fully recovered!
I'm slowly coming to terms with the loss of my wife, i lost my dad in 1992 and even though that really upset me it was nothing compared to this! basically you live out of each others pockets, you become part of each other, you tell each other your fears and your worries, you share so much together, as a couple we very rarely went out as we didn't really get offered much support in the way of babysitters but we were quite content to stay in as we had each others company, it is a very cruel world! Alice has been very brave throughout it all but i will never know how much of it she understands, so as they say time is a great healer and one must carry on as we have no option! but i will never forget my amazing wife Karen x she was a unique person that always had a smile that i miss so very much!
Wherever you are Karen God Bless you and you will always be in my heart xxxxxxx
And i just want to give a special mention and thanks to Rachel over at http://rachelhughesdiary.blogspot.com/ for being a very loyal friend xxxx
Anxiety Level Low
Posted by Gary at 01:45 3 comments